14/6/11

Well, well well!

Who’d have thought it, I now have my own online diary!

This has come about because Mark is In Big Trouble with Helen.
He’s in trouble because I wanted to do an update which mentioned the bane of my life my good friend Spike.

Spike is the other permanent resident of the Rescue who has reached the hallowed status of becoming one of Helen’s own dogs and having a star collar.
At the time I was thinking of this, Spike was enjoying playing with one of his favourite toys – a large red rubber ring, which he constantly worries at and savages for being All-Kinds-Of-Imaginary-Snake-like-Creatures.

So anyway I suggested to Mark about writing a ‘Lord Of The Rings’ themed update, with me being Lord Of The Bonios because I’m obsessed by Bonios and like to order people around by demanding they feed me whenever I’m a bit peckish, Spike having the ring, and hence being Frodo ( because he is also much smaller than me and so to me is of hobbit-sized proportions and also because he has hairy feet ).

All was going well with this idea until Mark suggested with much mirth that Jackson could be Smeagol, on account of him looking rather like him.
Helen took great affront at this on Smeagols Jacksons behalf and my latest update was banned, censored, removed, evicted and generally forcibly done away with pronto.

Helen would also have liked to have confiscated Mark’s dinner like she often does with mine for good measure but since we live in Poole and he lives in the Far North somewhere up near the Arctic Circle Birmingham this wasn’t possible.

So instead my ‘updates’ are being removed from Smeagols Jacksons page and placed in my own Diary and Mark is forbidden from ever referring to Smeagol Jackson as Smeagol Jackson ever again no matter how funny he thinks it is to do so to wind Helen up.

Which it does.

Very much indeed.

5/6/11

Hello again. In the interests of giving you all more information about Jackson so that I can get the end of my bed back that he can find a good home, I’ll let you all know ( since it isn’t on here already as Helen was trying to keep it a secret so that she could keep him herself “didn’t think it was important to mention it” ) that Jackson is a shar pei cross.
I must admit I didn’t realise this at first and thought that he’d just stayed in the bath too long and gone a bit wrinkly.
I’m sure I’d go all wrinkly if I stayed in the bath for too long, so I always make sure to run off and pretend to be deaf whenever it looks like Helen is thinking it might soon be bath-time to not over-stay my welcome during bath-time visits.

I thought that maybe we could cure Jackson’s wrinkly shar pei bits with a foot-pump as he reminds me of a balloon which is becoming deflated.
Perhaps instead of growing up, he’s getting smaller, like my mid-day meal always seems to.
Perhaps when he was younger there was a sale on and he bought a larger coat than was necessary, hoping to grow into it. He ought to go and ask them for a refund if you ask me, it is hardly Stay-Pressed.
I suppose he’s lost the receipt though else would have done that ages ago.
Young ‘uns don’t always realise the wisdom of always keeping their receipts.
I’ve kept all my old-Bonio receipts of course. I even buy old Bonio receipts off ebay and at car-boot sales when Helen is not looking. They are all filed chronologically in two-hundred and thirty-seven box-files in the back of Helen’s attic.
Helen doesn’t actually realise that is why she sometimes complains about having far less space than she thought that she used to have.
I think I’m safe for the moment though, she is On The Phone.
Helen is On The Phone so much talking to everyone about Dogs that I can quite understand why it is colloquially known as The-Dog-And-Bone.
I’d like to be known to the world as The-Dog-And-Bonios..

I’d also personally like to thank Pat who popped round the other day and brought us all presents after reading about us on the website.

She brought me some Bonios for my Pension Plan!!!!

She also brought toys for Jackson and the others
Thank you very much indeed, Pat, that was very kind of you, I’m much obliged!

30/5/11

Good news, my last report seems not to have incurred the wrath of the censor and she let me have my dinner (eventually).
Well I don’t know how but Dogs-About-Town seem to have got the impression that I’m often rather sleepy.
I don’t know how this has happened and I’m determined to put this right.
Lots of photos are A photo is circulating t’interweb pupporting to show me and Jackson snoring.
#Mark:please put that bally awfully embarrassing pic of me Helen took at this point in me narrative, if you would, Ta#

Now I’d like for everyone to notice the flash relecting off my eye, dazzling me mightily,
and causing me to see blobs and blotches of afterimage for ages afterwards. Thanks Helen.
The point I’m making is that if my eye is open, I’m awake,
and if I’m awake then I’m not asleep
and if I’m not asleep then I can’t possibly be snoring , can I?
Exactly.

So even if Jackson does sometimes snore enough for the both of us then that’s no reason not to offer him a home.
The fact that as you can clearly see he snores on my bed is a perfect reason that you must offer him a home immediately.
By my bed in the photo you can see my stuff: books, photos, momentos and the like.
Things Dogs Acquire Over Time.
My favorite books are on the bottom shelf for easy bedtime reading.
They are a present Helen got me many years ago for biting someone who defending her.
They are a full 21 volume set of first edition leatherbound copies of that most coveted work:

The Fully Illustrated Encyclopedia Of Bonios,

signed to frontispiece by Lord Bonio himself.

Well the thing is, I always used to love looking at this before going off to sleep of an evening, as it helps me have wonderful Bonio-filled dreams.
And when Jackson first came to stay with us he wasn’t feeling very well, so it seemed the right thing to let him sleep on the end of my bed and I’d read him Bedtime Bonio stories.
The Trouble IS, youngsters these days haven’t the stamina for some reason.
Whenever I start reading, he’s always nodded off and is snoring away before I’ve even got to the end of reading him the Foreword, Preface, Introduction by Lord Bonio and the first 100 pages of Volume One.
And once he’s asleep I can’t reach the other volumes and can hardly wake him up can I?
So over the past few weeks I’m getting desperate to read the other volumes again.
I find myself worrying in the middle of the night about whether I might have forgotten some of the Bonios in volumes 19 and 20 , and whether the one I dreamt of last night was from page 433 of Volume XII or from page 253 from Volume XV?
It is starting the bother me, because perhaps my memory is not as sharp as it once was.

So please someone hurry up and get Jackson off my bed!!!!!!!!! consider giving lovely Jackson a home and think of his snores as endearing and not the sort that rattle your photos off your shelves so that they bounce off your head in the middle of the night and you think that there’s been a blooming earthquake!!!!!!!!!